Sometimes, I'm afraid that he doesn't know how much I love him. And I know he doesn't because he doesn't really understand love. But I just wish that I could let him know that when I say "Mommy loves you", I mean "Mommy's heart beats for you"; I mean "You are everything that's good in me"; I mean "There is no other living thing on this earth that is more precious to me than you." I wish he could understand that when Mommy says no, it is BECAUSE I love him unconditionally. Sometimes, when I look at him, I honestly feel like my heart is going to burst. How could I have been so blessed? How did God see fit to honor me with such an amazing life, that I get to care for this little boy?
There are times during the day when I think about being in court, in a dispute about whether or not I should be able to have my baby always, and I just want to sob: just lay my head down and cry until I can't cry anymore. Would the tears stop? The idea of any amount of time, 2 hours, 12 hours, a day, a week, where I'm FORCED to hand over my child is unbearable. We've been inseparable for almost two years, why should we have to start now? I'm thankful that God is my cornerstone, the shoulder for my weary head, the Savior of my weary heart. How I could get through this without His love and grace is unimaginable.
Whatever happens, he will always be my baby and I will always be his mommy. It's true what people say, having a child is like having your heart run around outside your body. It can be scary, but I will never experience a greater, more intense love than this. Jack Alexander, you are my treasure and I love you from the very tips of your curly, blond hair to the soles of your soft, ticklish feet.
|Holding Jack (with assistance) right after my surgery.|
|Getting to really hold him for the first time, unassisted.|
|My precious baby, brand new|